Parent Teacher Conferences

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Twice each year, in November and in March, our school schedules parent teacher conferences. These conferences offer a rare opportunity for true collaboration between home and school. Even including the Montessori Enrichment Seminars and our Coffee Club, I spend the vast majority of my time with the children, typically only seeing the parents for a few minutes at drop off or pick up. We may have the odd conversation on the fly, or write notes to each other on the daily “care plans” we exchange, but anything more substantial is often hard to come by. So I really look forward to these set aside conference times, where the parents and I are able to exchange information, ask questions and address concerns about the individual children we love and serve.

Some express surprise at the idea of conferences for children so young. Honestly, there is so much going on for these little ones, its sometimes hard to get all the information into our half hour meeting time slot. To honor our time constraints and everyones busy schedule, I try to be as organized as possible. Rather than listing materials the child is using, or counting new words or skills with an achievement scale, I offer something more Montessori specific. When I first started at Monarch, I created an observation tool that has served our conferences really well. It has since been adapted for use in the Infant and Primary environments, and helps to frame the discussion between the parents and their child’s teacher.

Between birth and about six years of age, children experience “inner guides,” or, powerful drives which prompt them toward healthy development. Maria Montessori called these drives the “Sensitive Periods.”  Because of their sensitive periods, a child is naturally drawn to specific activities at the time when he or she is most capable of gaining benefit. The behaviors of the child offer us the biggest clues to their needs. A large portion of my role of head teacher is to observe the children’s behavior during our open work cycle, interpret my findings, and come up with ways to meet their dynamic needs of the moment. Prior to each conference, I review my recent observation notes on the specific child, and enter applicable behaviors into the sensitive period observation tool. This allows me to offer parents a clear and up to the minute picture of their child’s needs and development. As these forms may be taken home by the parents for later review, we can be a little more flexible in our discussion, and the conversation can range much farther than it would have otherwise, a benefit to all of us. We may focus on diet, social behavior, potty training, binky reduction, or any other concern forefront in either of our minds, and not feel that we have gotten “off topic”. I greatly enjoy these conferences, and see them as a fantastic opportunity to connect and regroup with the parents, that we may forge ahead with clarity in our common goal of promoting the development of their children.

Welcoming New Friends

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At our school, we have a rolling admission. This means that new starts are not limited to September and January; children can be enrolled at any time during the year. There are pros and cons to this system, without careful planning, it can set a classroom into a continuous state of upheaval; but for our toddler room, rolling admission has been a huge asset. Rather than welcoming a dozen new friends at once in the beginning of the year, which is overwhelming for both the children and for the adults, we are able to welcome one or two at a time. In this way, the new friends have the opportunity to adjust in a more peaceful, already normalized environment. New children often need more attention than the seasoned veterans, and such a system allows us the greatest possibility of meeting the needs of all of our children. This also gives us the luxury of truly following the child; when they are ready to move up to primary or up from the infant room, the flexibility is there.

Every child responds differently to entering our environment for the first time. Comfort levels for children depend on a wide variety of factors; age, comfort level of the parents, previous child care situations, parent-child attachment styles, and personality all come into play (amongst many others). Many cry their first day, often intermittently throughout the day, some continue to cry at drop off for their first few weeks, while others adjust more quickly. It is fairly rare that a child is inconsolable to the point that we decide to call the parents for early pick up, but from time to time this happens as well, and is not in any way abnormal. It can be a stressful time for all of us. The parents seem to feel some level of guilt over leaving their scared and tearful child, the children feel confused and sometimes abandoned, and as caregivers, we search carefully through our big bag of tricks to find the thing that will help comfort this child, this time. Though we strive for outward calm, we worry about how long it will take to build trust and security.

To help build that all important trust, a greater emphasis is placed on our routine whenever we have a new friend, and expectations for behavior become more clearly defined. Children at this age often feel fear when faced with the unknown, so we work hard to create a safe, predictable space. The sooner we can help them understand our environment, and how they can fit in to it, the sooner they adjust to being here. Often, if a new child has settled down during the work cycle, we will see a renewal of tears at transition times, such as going outside or to the nap room. Patience, soft words, hugs, songs, and tissues are all employed, often simultaneously. Slowly, the trust begins to build. They see that their needs will be met consistently, their cries will be responded to immediately, and that mom or dad do come back. Until that point is reached, we try everything. It might be a particular material that draws them in, familiar, repetitive motion like stacking or sorting, and low challenge materials are often first choices, others may need to hold on to one of our hands, their lunch bag, coat, or other comfort item from home to help them to feel secure. Seeking extra security does not suggest that the child is not ready for school, and initial reluctance does not mean its not a good fit. Sometimes, all we need is time, and I firmly believe that Montessori really is for every child.

As with all things around children, consistency is key. Children who come every other day or twice per week typically take longer to adjust than those who come everyday, even if they only attend in the morning. I have found that children need an average of two weeks before they feel completely comfortable with our environment-if they attend everyday. Those with alternate schedules can take a bit longer to separate confidently. All of them get there though! I have learned that the single most important factor of a secure drop off is parent comfort level. You chose us for a reason, and believe this is a good place for your child. Tears can mean fear, but this is not necessarily a bad thing. Learning to trust that mom or dad (or grandparents or nannies) will come back provides a life long benefit and adds to a secure parent child relationship. I make it clear to the parents that drop off is at the door-this space belongs to your child. By separating at a clear barrier, your child receives this signal, and the other children feel protected from unknown outsiders. Its best if parents have a little extra time those first few days. Depending on the situation, it can help to have the parent sit in the doorway with their child, watching what goes on. If the parent is able to do this calmly and quietly, often the child will be more willing to come in with me to see some of the materials. Then the parent can leave quietly. Occasionally, this extra time is not possible, and in these cases, a quick, confident good bye at the door is in order. This way can seem more traumatic, but it think of it as the “ripping off the band-aid” theory. This will not damage your child, their psychological well being, or their relationship with you or with us.

I look forward to meeting new children. Each one is a universe unto themselves, with so much to add to our little community. I enjoy watching the trust develop, the sense of security and independence increase, and the love of learning take over their whole being. It can be a particular challenge to learn their needs on the spot, while balancing the needs of the other children in our group, helping them find their place and a feeling of belonging, but it is one I relish each time!

 

Children’s Book Review: When Winter Comes

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51DVNVFTA4L._BO2,204,203,200_PIsitb-sticker-arrow-click,TopRight,35,-76_AA300_SH20_OU01_In the children’s book When Winter Comes by Nancy Van Laan, with illustrations by Susan Gaber, we are given the opportunity to follow a curious family as they discover the effects of the coldest months on the life all around. The children in my class have loved this book, both for the detailed, clear and beautiful images, but also for the simple, rhythmic and repetitive text.

This family, portrayed with two parents, one child and a small dog, set out exploring one snowy winter day. They ask questions and discover answers about where flowers, dappled deer, field mice and other creatures go “when winter comes and the cold winds blow.” It has been a joy to see the children independently and in small groups, pouring over the illustrations, discussing the caterpillar in its cocoon, or the fish under the ice. Winter can be such a trying time for them, with fewer opportunities to venture outside for their own exploration!

If you recall from my last book review, when making selections for children, I rate books according to ten categories:

  • illustrations worthy to look at without words
  • seasonally appropriate
  • well written
  • thought provoking, but simple in context
  • intellectually appealing to the toddler age
  • culturally enriching, and reflective of diversity
  • express relatable emotions
  • rich (but limited) language
  • avoids stereotypes (I sometimes take the liberty of changing a word here or there if the book fits all other points!)
  • grounded in reality (no talking animals or the like)

I give a little on some categories if the book is very strong in others. But in general, for a book to be worthy of our children, all ten requirements  should be met in some way. Nancy Van Laan’s When Winter Comes is a wonderful example of a rare perfect 10 in my estimation!

“Sharing”: food for thought

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It seems that according to our current cultural norms, a child must give up his toys if another child wants them. I’ve heard about this phenomenon from parents who frequent playgroups. Somehow this practice has come to be called “sharing.” A parent will insist that the child give up the toy toy, immediately, because “sharing is caring.” In reality, it gives our children the sense that their work is not important.  At no other time in our lives are we expected to simply hand over our possessions just because someone else wants them (and if we are, its certainly not called “sharing!”) In our classroom (as with Montessori classrooms everywhere), the work of the child is protected. A child who feels secure that his work will not be interrupted has the opportunity to develop concentration and focus for the activity at hand. On the contrary, when a child fears that his work could be taken at any moment, he becomes possessive and focused on the materials themselves instead.

Just today, I was observing one of our 2.5 year old girls, playing with a favorite truck during the aftercare program. A younger child came to her, looking to use the truck, but she told him firmly, “This is my work right now.” She watched him walk away, looked at the truck in her hands and ran after him, telling him “Its your turn now, I’m done.” She felt secure in her own space and a sense of control over her own actions and choices, and was able to make the conscious decision to give another child a chance for the same experience. This was not a rule imposed upon her, or something required just because he was a younger child. She chose to give up a coveted toy freely, making the gesture that much more meaningful for both of them. She felt good about making another child happy, and the other child saw the direct benefit of respecting her work, and not simply feeling entitled to it. If you ask me, this is precisely the true meaning of sharing. It should not be forced upon a child, but celebrated when given freely. In this scenario, the children are able to fully experience generosity, a concept all too infrequent in our current society.

Many parents find themselves in the difficult situation of bringing their child to a playgroup where forced sharing is the norm. Unfortunately, not all children are used to the expectation of protected work or personal space. Through the age of 3, children are necessarily and naturally ego centric. A child under the age of 3 should not be expected to understand the needs of others, they have their hands full trying to understand their own needs! As the child transitions into a more conscious and self aware state (between ages 3-6), they grow better able to understand the needs of others and are more likely to find benefit from play groups with a wider variety of children. If it is an option, keep your young child’s social circle very small. A community of family members and school classmates is plenty diverse for the child under age 3. There is more than enough time for play dates once your child is more aware of others! If these situations cannot be avoided, consider discussing this topic with the other parents, and maybe setting some consistent ground rules for behavioral expectations of all children present.

Forming Community

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IMG_1486Last week, I cleaned out our fish bowl during the work cycle, rather than after school as I normally do. I was prepared for the children’s interest in my actions, and they did all crowd around the sink to watch; but their insightful observations took me somewhat by surprise. We had a wonderful conversation about what fish eat and drink, how they stay underwater, if they like people watching them, and optimal water temperatures. So today, during a quiet moment, I brought down the fish bowl and invited some children to join me for a closer look.

I outlined the rules before we began; quiet voices so we wouldn’t scare the fish, and hands stay out of the water, to keep his home clean. The children watched the fish swim, fascinated. Some wanted to test the temperature of the water by feeling the bowl, others made observations about the colors of the fish, or the rocks at the bottom, and one child suggested that we sing to the fish. “Sure,” I said, “What should we sing?” they thought for a moment, then someone suggested “Twinkle, twinkle, little star” and the others agreed. I am quite used to song requests, singing is a big part of our day, and so important for language development. Normally, the children tell me what song they want to hear, and I end up a soloist (if I’m lucky I’ll receive a spontaneous round of applause at the end!) But this time, maybe because it was for the fish, when I began the opening line of the song, I was startled to hear 8 little voices singing right along with me. This was the very first time they all tried to join in a song, and it was beyond beautiful. We sang a few more songs “Baby Beluga,” “Wheels on the Bus,” “ABCs,” and “The Mango Song” before interest started to give way to over-excitement.

I love seeing the children hug each other, provide comfort, and willingly offer high demand materials to others. But this was a particularly exciting display of community. The children came together to offer something of themselves. They showed care, compassion and a common interest to another living being. I was impressed and inspired by their actions, and can only hope that our work in the classroom has contributed to this sense of community!

Children’s Book Review: Rise the Moon

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51P5l8Q3NDL._BO2,204,203,200_PIsitb-sticker-arrow-click,TopRight,35,-76_AA300_SH20_OU01_Rise the Moon by Eileen Spinelli, with pictures by Raul Colon has become a fast favorite in our classroom. The children are drawn into the gentle and lyrical text, and love to spot the moon in each beautifully drawn image. Each passage contains a description of a familiar person or animal and their interaction with the moon. Amongst others, you’ll find a moth, an artist, a dancer, a baker, a sailor, a pack of wolves, and a mother with her baby. Though the images are rich enough to stand alone, the children request hearing the words again and again!

This particular book has so many of the wonderful qualities I look for when making selections for my class. I like to rotate our book offerings every other week or so. Each time I visit the library, I choose about eight new books based on several important characteristics. The books must first be worthy to look at on their own, that the children are not dependent upon an adult to assist them. I like to choose books based on seasonally appropriate or thematically familiar characteristics. In addition, I look for books that (are):

  • well written
  • thought provoking, but simple in context
  • intellectually appealing to the toddler age
  • culturally enriching, and reflective of diversity
  • express relatable emotions
  • rich (but limited) language
  • avoids stereotypes (I sometimes take the liberty of changing a word here or there if the book fits all other points!)
  • grounded in reality (no talking animals or the like)

Beyond these 10 points, I avoid “teaching” books; like the ones that focus on potty training, jealousy over a new baby or the ABC’s. These types of books tend to oversimplify the concepts they present, assuming the children need to have their thoughts and emotions “dummed down” to understand them. There are books that may discuss these ideas as part of life, or may happen to be organized by letters or numbers; and these are sometimes fine, as long as the central concept of the book is not to present an idea or way of thinking to the child. The best way we can offer children an understanding of the world is to put them directly in touch with it, and to be a constant model of expected behavior.

Eileen Spinelli’s Rise the Moon is one I will return to many times through the years, and I happily rate this selection a 9.5 out of 10!

 

Schedule vs. Routine

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Winter can be tricky. If its not too cold to bring the children outside, then its likely to be too muddy for them to enjoy it. During most of the year, we like to go outside twice each day, once after our morning work cycle and once in the afternoon. But during the extremes of the summer and winter months, our routine is thrown off a bit. Today was one of those frustratingly temperate New Jersey winter days with a good foot of snow still on the ground (most of them would not be able to walk in such a depth.) So, we extended our work cycle, sang more songs, and asked just a little bit more from our toddlers.

When one part of the routine is thrown off, other parts often follow suit. The children know something is off. The more verbal and aware toddlers will ask outright why we aren’t going outside, while the younger ones vent their confusion more creatively. On days like this, we tend to see more limit testing, more visible frustrations, more general full body movement and earlier naps. It struck me, as I was guiding four children to the nap room a good 45 min early, that this is precisely the difference between following a “schedule” and following a “routine”; the first is following a pattern linked with a clock, the second is following a pattern based on needs.

The children’s frustration response stems mostly from two areas: their sense of order is disrupted (we normally go outside), and their needs aren’t being met (going outside allows the release of the ya-yas). By keeping to our general routine of nap after work cycle, the children find a sense of security and comfort. When something is disrupted, careful observation shows the children seeking out the next part of their day, to set things right, so to speak. By following the children, we have the best hope of meeting their needs; eating when they are hungry allows them to learn their own body signals and social cues; napping when they are tired allows them to reset and take some control over the course of their day; following their interest allows them to delve more deeply into the materials that will have the most meaning at this moment in time. Providing a predictable, need-driven routine offers the children the chance to build trust, concentration, a sense of security and self reliance.

slavetoroutine

 

 

Hugs are welcome, but not required

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These past few days, the children have been spontaneously greeting each other with a happy hello and a hug. Typically, this activity is repeated a few times until one or both of the children decides they are done. When it is a mutual decision, all is well, and both happily move on to other tasks. Occasionally, one of the children has more love to give, and is confused, or even hurt by their friends disinterest. At this point, I step in, and explain that hugs are welcome, but not required, and that “no” means “no.”

This may be one of the hardest lessons for the children, but also among the most important. Respecting the personal space of others does not come easily to them, largely because their own personal space is so rarely respected. Hands must be held to cross the street or when going down stairs, diapers and soiled clothing require assistance to change, and a child about to fall off a slide should be caught, of course. But an offer to shake hands in greeting is a courtesy, not a mandate. Some children respond better to some personal space, or to a transitional object, rather than a hug when upset or afraid. An out of control child may need to be held for a time, but we should empower all children to deal independently with their emotions, and allow them back to their community at the soonest possible moment.

I, myself, find comfort through touch, and love that we have created an environment where the children feel free to express their affection for each other physically. For toddlers, physical expression is often one of the few options in their communication tool box. I am pleased that the children feel confident that hugs and laps are always available, and hope to reinforce the all important balance between that availability and respecting each others space. In the primary class (ages 3-6) the children will experience “grace and courtesy lessons” to help them figure out how to move about socially. But for now, modeling, redirection, and discussion will help give them a firm foundation for their later social awareness.

 

Setting Limits and Building Trust

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I’ve mentioned that in the Montessori classroom, we “follow the child”, and try to create an “environment of ‘yes’.” It may seem that we do not say “no” to the children, perhaps this is even where the misconception that Montessori has no limits comes from. In reality, the freedom the children experience comes only through their observation of the limits. We make the limits clear, consistent, and relatable to the children, we offer choices whenever possible, and frame all redirections in a positive light. When the children are confident in the expectations, they are free to act on their own behalf. There are times, however, when the word “no” is completely appropriate, and in fact, sometimes necessary.

Redirections work like this: if a child is misusing the materials, I might suggest that we go choose a puzzle together. If a child is splashing the water in the toilet, I will direct them to the sink for hand washing. If a child is aimless or disrupting the work of their friends, I will invite them to see how tall we can build a tower. In two out of three of these scenarios, the children are welcome to come up with their own ideas of what else to do. However, this should not be confused with a negotiation: the original activity is not on the table. And sometimes, like the scenario with the toilet, an option is not given. Whenever possible, we reserve the word “no” for times when someone might get hurt. In this way, ‘no” means something. We do not go back on this assertion, and are consistent and firm when these situations arise. They are welcome to have and express feelings about this. In fact, this is a great opportunity to learn how to feel and appropriately deal with anger, frustration and sadness; but they know the expectations still stand.

Children seek their limits naturally, and find comfort and security when those limits are predictable. Even once established, children frequently test limits, to make sure their world remains as expected. They do not do this to frustrate us, or to get under our skin (as much as it may sometimes feel that way!) On the contrary, when children test their limits, they are giving us very important information about their developmental needs. Children are likely to test when something has shaken their sense of order; someone is visiting or away on a work trip, a parent or sibling is sick, dinner came after bath time, or dad shaved his beard. Whatever it is, something is different. The best we can do is reassure the children by keeping the limits clear and consistent, and by saying “no” when necessary. We follow the child, knowing their behavior will give us clues to their needs; but only we know what is best for them, and we must act in their best interests. Only in this way can we build trust and foster a sense of security and comfort, so our children may learn to truly be free.

 

Get Outside and Play!

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I have been researching articles and topics for our next coffee club. During our last meeting, we discussed the significance and merits of television and the young child. Parents’ opinions ranged from “everything in moderation” to “we are avoiding it as long as we can” to “should we even bother? It’s part of their world now.” When I brought up the idea that TV, and our other various electronic devices, were taking the place of physical manipulation of objects and outside play, parents responses were near universal. All seemed to be concerned with child abduction, stranger danger, and violence; worthy fears to be sure!

Times have changed. I recall vacations my family would take to Rehoboth Beach when I was a child. My mom would hand me some small amount of cash and tell me to “check in” in two hours. I never tested that time limit, but I can imagine what would have happened had I not returned within it. I loved that time to myself! I wandered the boardwalk, indulged in people watching, made poor food choices, and learned to trust my sense of direction in this wide, wide world. Unfortunately, I don’t think my young nieces and nephews will have the same opportunities when they visit their grandparents. But what, really, has changed? We know now more than ever the value of unstructured free play for young children.  Study after study tells us that time outside results in healthier, more creative, less stressed, calmer, stronger and less medicated children. We also know that crime is actually down in many places, lower now than it was even 10-15 years ago. So what is holding us back?

I have a suspicion that there is a broad combination of factors at play here. More often than not, both parents work long hours, and are over taxed for time and energy at the end of the day. The news media feeds into our fears by sensationalizing crime to boost their ratings, bombarding us repeatedly with terrifying images and worst case scenarios. New “experts” (read:marketing strategists) announce new ways to ensure your child will be among the Harvard elite, if you only enroll them in this new type of after school class/activity/club. Extended families are fractured, first time parents are trying to figure out how to raise a child without the benefit of experienced and near by family advisers. And ultimately, our society is at fault. We live in a litigious, look over your shoulder, “if you see something, say something” society where a casual observer can play judge, jury and executioner.  Even my searching for articles about the benefits of outdoor play turned up results like this one.

There has to be a middle ground between those who profess to be raising “free range kids” and those who cry neglect at the sight of a scraped knee. For whatever reason, times are changing. Can we make accommodations for what is without sacrificing our ideals and how we wish it were? Perhaps the answer lies in what will benefit our children the most: parents, bring your children outside. Take a nature walk. Collect rocks in a jar. Discover new parks. Let them feel the rain and the wind and the sun. Stroll around the block after dinner or to the corner store and back. No equipment or toys required! Play with them, walk with them and show them how to be safe in this world. Let them practice, let them fall, let them learn, and enjoy the process with them.